10 Common Mistakes Parents Make

Think you're a pretty good parent? Chances are, you're right. But many of us make well-intentioned mistakes in many areas of our lives--including raising children. No parent intentionally does things wrong; we simply do the best we can with the knowledge we have.
With this in mind, here is a list of some common mistakes parents make. The list is not exhaustive, nor is it The Final Word. The ideas here come from family psychologists, educators and older parents and grandparents who have "been there, done that," yet managed to raise successful children.


1. Inadequate Supervision
"Children get away with so much in contemporary society," says Robert Billingham, professor of Human Development and Family Studies at Indiana University, and the father of four. "It's a tragedy that there just isn't the parental supervision there used to be."
So how do you know if your child is being adequately supervised? "If your child is in daycare, make frequent, unannounced visits. If supervision is lacking, find another daycare," says Billingham. For older children, in most states the legal age that children can be left by themselves is 13, and most experts agree that the time of day when most kids get into trouble is the after-school/before-parents-get-home-from-work window. How to avoid? Hire a sitter or rearrange your work schedule. The bottom line: make sure someone is watching those kids.

2. Failing To Listen
"Many parents are in too much of a hurry to slow down and really listen to what their child has to say," says Charles Fay, Ph.D., a nationally certified school psychologist. For example, say little Billy comes home with a black eye. A parent's natural tendency may be to jump right in and demand to know who hit little Billy, when the reality may be that a ball smacked him in the eye, or maybe Billy started a fight. The fact is, parents don't know what's really going on until their child tells them.
For very young children, a good way to find out what's on their minds is to watch them play, says Dr. Fay. Give them some dolls and just sit back and watch. "It takes a little time, but it's one of the most powerful tools a parent has for understanding what their child's life is like when the parents are not around."

3. Short-sighted Parenting
"I tell parents to raise their 2-year-old not to be a successful toddler, but to be a successful adult," says Billingham. This means parents have to let their children make mistakes, have to let them learn from mistakes and have to let them encounter situations parents would rather protect them from. "When children face bullies, for example, there is a tendency for parents to rush in. But at some point this 7-year-old will be 30 and will have a boss who is a bully, so the child has to learn for himself how to cope." This doesn't mean that parents can't help, but becoming too involved can also be a mistake, says Billingham. "Help the child solve his problems, but don't solve them for him."

4. Over Scheduling
"Many parents today seem to be going 100 miles an hour with their hair on fire," says Judy Haire, co-founder of Liberty Christian School in Texas, mother of two and grandmother of five. "Kids need down time, time to be bored, because that's when their creativity kicks in."
Instead of giving kids time to play in a relaxed, unstructured way, many parents rush their children around from activity to activity, and this can create stress and anxiety in both parents and kids. "I suggest that parents give each child one or two extracurricular activities, max, and that parents make sure that children have several hours each week that are left completely unscheduled. Just make sure they don't fill those hours with TV!" says Haire.

5. Arguing in Front of Children
Parents arguing in front of their children is a very damaging behavior, according to Sara B. Miller, Ph.D., a psychiatrist in Wayne, Pa., who specializes in marriage and family issues. "When a couple argues in front of young children, especially boys, the end result is often an extremely insensitive man who cannot relate to women in a healthy way," says Miller.
Parents should save heated discussions for times when the kids aren't around. That's not to say that kids should never see parents disagree; it's healthy for kids to see Mom and Dad have a difference of opinion, then work it out. But subjecting children to parents' arguing can make them insecure and fearful. "Use common sense," says Miller.

6. Inconsistency
You've seen it in the supermarket a thousand times: a mom in the checkout line tells her child he cannot have candy. The child begins to whine, then beg, getting louder and louder, until the mom finally caves in and buys the candy. Kid: 1, Mom: 0.
"Children need to feel that their parents are in control," says Lisa Balch, a graphic designer and mother of two. "When a parent gives in after having said no, then the child learns that whining and begging are very effective tools for negotiation. I hear parents complain all the time about their children whining, but in many cases the parents are reinforcing the very behavior they would like to change."
7. Ignoring Your Intuition
"I think that in many cases people are too trusting, both of their children and of the people their children spend time with," says Haire. "It's easier to just go with the flow and ignore that still small voice when it tells you that something isn't quite right. I've learned, through the years, that parents should pay attention to that intuition."

8. Too Much TV
According to the Neilsen Media Research, the average American child ages 2-11 watches 3 hours and 22 minutes of television per day. The average number of minutes per week that parents spend in meaningful conversation with their children? 38.5. Astoundingly, 25 percent of children ages 2-5 have a television in their bedroom, and over half (52 percent) of kids ages 5-17 have a television in their bedroom.

9. Out-of-Control Materialism
"Kids today have way too much stuff," says Lois Hodgson, mother of four and grandmother of six. There's nothing wrong with toys and gadgets and exotic vacations, but it seems that in many cases what the children really want is quality time with their parents, says Hodgson. "When my children were young I made it a point to sit down with them after school and hear about their day, every day. Some of the neighborhood kids used to come, too--they just wanted an adult to listen to them."

10. Neglecting Your Spouse
"All too often I see parents who have made their children the center of their relationship," says Haire. "They lose sight of who they are as a couple, and once the kids are gone there isn't much left between them." The remedy? "Spend some time together alone every day--even 10 minutes at the end of the day. And make sure the kids know that this time is important and is not to be interrupted."

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